The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My vagina just clenched in fear
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
