Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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