Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
