Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
