Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
