Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
