Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Randomize
