I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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