I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
