Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
