I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
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We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
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Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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