I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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