I CAN MOONWALK!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
