Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
