he puts the penis in happiness.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
