omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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