if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
