Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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