just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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