I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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