Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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