Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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