if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
