i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize