She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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