Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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