My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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