I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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