I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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