iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
