i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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