First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.