What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.