Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack