got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
