We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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