Taylor Swift is so right about you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
