Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
