i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize