You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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