Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
