update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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