Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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