I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
