This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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