I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
