I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize