We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
