If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
