I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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