I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
