Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
either way he was missing a nipple.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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