I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
