I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
