so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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