Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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