remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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