i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize